Patrick is so shallow

Another milestone, 22 weeks, my second industrial attachment to a coporate company. Say long, not long, short also not short. Been through many many things, ups and downs, happy wonderful ones to utter disappointments.

Throughout the internship, I've came to realise more about myself. Patrick still likes to program. With the right attitude, good morale and a relative working environment, he can throw himself into the role as a programming drone. Of course, his dream is still to lead a team of programmers... that was when he was 17. Learnt alot on IT technical stuff but most impt, about himself.

I discovered, I like to bask in the limelight. Some sort of a show-off or attention seeker, but of course in the name of fun. I am brutally honest and rather insensitive which I think I inherited from my dad. I am an extremist who strongly believes in what he sees, hears, feels and think about. I dont like to follow blindly with the crowd where I will always try to sit myself down and analsye the situation before making a conculsion to beat or join em. Therefore, many a times, I feel rather wierd, isolated, strange and alone.

Communicating with ppl could be considered as one of my hobby which I always flood my audience with long winded, confusing and boring experiences I get myself into. I am lucky to have many friends who show forbearance and good faith to entertain me, otherwise I would feel so lonely.

I feel disappointed with myself... utterly. One can lie to the whole world except ownself, yes I am still pinning hope for a companion. Is it really that inhumanly possible to live by myself? Has my philosophy of not wanting to ruin ppl really wrong? Have I been making wrong decisions all the way?

I feel sad that I want to fall in love. I feel sad I dont know how to love. I feel sad I forgot what's to be loved.