Depressing days, Daunting choices

For the past few days, I think I am kinda feeling a strain. A tinge of restlessness and fatigue, the urge to settle my heart. Recapping the last of my months, if life's a journey, the amount of "distance" i covered would be rather commendable.

Breaking personal limits, physical and mental realms were put to the test. Run, Swim, Dive, Cycle, Surf, Salom has been some of the stuff I have bragged about in the previous entries. Relingusihing lost or long term relations, dances, socialising could just be another way to distract. Summarising what I had done, there must be a reason I am doing all these and as I am penning these thoughts in this virtual realm that I talk to myself, I came to 2 conclusions.

1, I feel incomplete and want to develop my self to see how much I can achieve. My self worth, my pride pushing me towards unfamilar grounds moving myself off from the comfort zone experiencing new activities.

2, I feel lonely and insecure sub-conciously and the concious mind is being kept occupied with all kind of stuff I "indulge" myself into. The mind is a powerful tool, yet a deceiving one.

If there are different personalities masked within our minds, I am sure there are 2 most powerful driving characters within me. 1st the prideful, egoist chauvinist who yield to none. 2nd the emotional wreck who engages in mental debates boggling with constant ironies. How can personalities of these 2 extremes blend I always wonder. You may not know who I am because I cant locate who I am yet.

A life of carefree and happiness or a life wise and meaningful. These are the 2 paths to choose from. To smile galiantly, sanguine, without a care in the world, one will have to let go completely of the past and expect nothing from the future. Simple it may seem, but letting go just aint a piece of cake or walk in the park, it takes great courage, maybe in time I will do the leap of faith. A wise meaningful life will only mean constant flashbacks against the past. Raking up the mistakes and reflections. Always preparing ownself for the next step, worrying and planning for the future. Plagued with worries and pessimistical contigency senarios.

Bottomline, I am depressed today, because I dont know where I stand... have been living under the shade of hope for too long. Its time to put myself down to rest or slap myself awake.

Alwayz on my mind

pat

人要找到自己的世界

人要找到自己的世界， 那么活的才有意义。
As the end of the semester creeps nearer, an old testament would conclude thus ending the academic phase of mine. 2 pre-primary, 6 primary, 4 secondary, 3 poly and finally 4 university a grand total of 19 years, nearing 2 decades. 19 / 26 years, one big chunk of what I've experience in life has been spent with books, notes, tests and exams. By May, its high time to start a new phase... to enter another realm.

Upon convocating, throng of undergraduates like me would matriculate into the economy to hone what we've learnt during the past 2 decades. That comes to another point, alike different individuals who are learnt and trained in different faculties and areas of expertises, different ppl are suited for different occupations and industries.

A fat pay cheque at the end of the day may seem to be the top piority for most undergrads who are laden with debts from study loans. Whenever we receive news of some scholar / high-flyer land a 3 - 4k salary, our eyes go green with envy and the mind starts filling in with the "if only"s If only it was me, if only I worked harder or the "how come"s, how come I dont have that luck, how come they can get it. Life is full of mystery, but that is sometimes, some guys get all the luck.

I aint lamenting how lousy things are going for me, actually more than satisfied with what I have now with me. Contentment is the best fulfillment. My personal stand is, everyone has a part to play and everyone has a place where he / she belongs to.

不同的人，各有属于自己的世界. Unsure of where I belong as of now, but I'll start with something thats for sure. That something is soldiering. A life of regimentation which I am very accustomed to, an environment that I was born and bred within under the iron rule of my mum. No, my parents aint from the military, I dont even have any relatives within the military to start with. Maybe its has been within me all along?

Its queer when you try to reason things on why they happen? But things just happen and there may not be any good particular reason that can explain. If everything happens for a reason and individuals are able to apply logic into every action, the world would be at peace.

Meanwhile, whilst treading into uncharted territory,

Let passion be my light

Hope to keep me going on

And YOU to bring me the smiles

pat

Thanks for the memories

Returned from my Dive trip, Pulua Dayang. The sandy beaches, crystal clear sea and soothing breeze literally took me from the stressful city to a paradise. Bottom line, I survived! Thanks for the "final" farewells, really have to count my lucky stars for the friends I made.

This place doesnt give east coast park a chance at all

A glimspe of the dive resort which lies on the sandy beaches

The ability to breathe underwater is a very unique sensation and the sights are breathe-taking. It was a fun trip definitely. Just look at how clear the waters are! We could see the fishes darting playfully about the corals.

Now I am a qualified diver and driver too, what should i head towards next? Life's a bustling journey laden with dreams, memories and achievements how come I am feeling empty? Its back to the drawing board for the final semester with my FYP. When will my next diving expedition be? am already yearning for another deep sea expedition already =)

Till we meet again my sandy beach, my clear blue waters, miss you~

always on my mind~

What I dont see, I dont know

What I dont hear, I dont think

pat