Anger Management

It has always been a fact that I aint the best tempered individual. I have been known to flare up with everyone running for shelter and it really aint a pleasant sight... so much so that I get shocked at myself

The nature of my job requires me to suppress emotions, keep thy cool and swallow bitter pills and I think I have done quite a good job for the past 10 years taking orders and executing them only asking questions later (or maybe never)

Maybe knowledge and exposure have eroded my passion for soldiering. Having always prided myself as an officer, my duty is to lead, excel and overcome... I have to self motivate in order to motivate others. But a short summary of my career, I really dont think I had a pleasant, enriching experience as I would have wanted.

PC Tour - garnered 16 x extra duties and given posting orders 1 week before without consultation or choice

Staff Tour - Took over vacant post by ex regular who left earlier, learnt ropes from not so correct training development officer, superior actually pang toh-ed me to do what she had preferred without proper guidance. Took over OC command from regular who is not interested in serving and left

OC Tour - Issued orders upon 2 hours arriving, upper study did nothing for me to pick up ropes. Steep learning curve for NDP 2010. Massive / Messy project without proper KM and documentation with a backlog of unaccounted equpiment, highlighted to upper management but lukewarm reaction. Nil engagement on next pending posting

PSO Tour - Took over a branch that only have 2 headcount... inherited a system that do not have a proper sustenance plan. Rules evolve and change to suit the wind of changes.

Highlighted above are the whines and complains I have.... but of course, the silver lining is that I have always managed to get competant soldiers and commanders whom are willing to give them best. I am proud to be able to garner their support and maintain spirits while we trudge through the confusion and exasperation. I have learnt much from them that one will give their all not 100% due to commitment to defence but for own personal mastery and pride.

To be very frank, the ones that kept me going were my NSFs that served with me. They showed me the appreciation and acknowledgement I secretly yearned for.

I am angry. Care for soldier.... who had cared for me? I have tried my best to keep my spirits up.... but when I kept getting blows after blows, treated like a digit, its but human to feel low and out.

I have came to a point where I suspect that its not others that have been ill treating me, but its myself who is really the problem. I am not as capable as I deemed to be, not as confident and competant as an commissioned officer. One thing i learnt from my wife is no one can excel in every area. I admit, I am not good in the area of Human Resource (within SAF)...This is a dangerous realm to tread into when a man nearing his mid life crisis starts suspecting his own abilities. The next best thing is to actually change the environment

So what am I actually angry with? The people who have pinned me down and ignored me? The system that processed me as a common digit? Unfair / unequal treatment, judgement ?

Most of the time, I am more like angry with myself. I feel that I have more to contribute and able to if i had got the guts and exposure to speak up. Not like some common plain dick who is a code monkey churning out templates and following blindly

The past few weeks I have been acting strangely... down-playing all the inefficienies, counselling individuals who have complaints about certain processes / procedures. Am I less angry and finally got anger management classes in place?
Nope, dont think so. I am quite disturbed till the extend I kind of throw in the flag.... because with my backlog of experience, it just shows that I am either
1) not so capable of solving the inefficiencies
2) Too emotionally backlogged that I am at a blockade preventing me to see the real problem and actiing on it
3) Trying to move on with my life and do what is right while not burning bridges

I still have that fire. To improve, to challenge and to show the world what I am capable of. Not just anyone.... someone.... there... for

I am the one you can rely on, father of 2, husband of one,
I am PATRICK