When you near the end, you will see the light

Yes, I realised why was i feeling so blue after talkin to ET. "Talking" is equivalent to jamming on keys, how sad have evolution and growing up affected me. I see the light as the end of IA came along

Its the stupid presentation of course. Initially thought unaffected, never put in effort since it was un graded in the first place, so why bother? I tot I could get into the bo chap attitude and just let things go like that. A trashy presentation. Very stupid, not the less worth mentioning. I feel I have lost something. Pride, reputation, everyone's gonna brand me a loser and leech throughout the last 6 months.

Just feel that I ended the whole internship with a blow to my ego. It ended low morale, bo chap, giving ppl impression that an SAF regular is the potential leech.
Is that the truth? Have I been that always? The transformation frm an eager learner from janurary to such a bum I am now really frightens me. Things change with time, attitude and character follows through too. For the better or worst, I dunnoe.

Talkin to myself, I think the main factor is actually not a girl.... but girls. I have interest in coldplay, but not as jialat as that joleen case where I threw myself in and kanna langa by lorry. Its just that i am so disappointed by my discipline? Or the ablility of self control.
See 1, want 1, come on! whats wrong? I aint no gay... but does 1 really need a lady in order to feel complete? How come I just cannot get thru this.

Really hope its just a passing phrase, better be just one of those black gloomy days i shouldnt have woke up to in the first place.

PatriX

Patrick is so shallow

Another milestone, 22 weeks, my second industrial attachment to a coporate company. Say long, not long, short also not short. Been through many many things, ups and downs, happy wonderful ones to utter disappointments.

Throughout the internship, I've came to realise more about myself. Patrick still likes to program. With the right attitude, good morale and a relative working environment, he can throw himself into the role as a programming drone. Of course, his dream is still to lead a team of programmers... that was when he was 17. Learnt alot on IT technical stuff but most impt, about himself.

I discovered, I like to bask in the limelight. Some sort of a show-off or attention seeker, but of course in the name of fun. I am brutally honest and rather insensitive which I think I inherited from my dad. I am an extremist who strongly believes in what he sees, hears, feels and think about. I dont like to follow blindly with the crowd where I will always try to sit myself down and analsye the situation before making a conculsion to beat or join em. Therefore, many a times, I feel rather wierd, isolated, strange and alone.

Communicating with ppl could be considered as one of my hobby which I always flood my audience with long winded, confusing and boring experiences I get myself into. I am lucky to have many friends who show forbearance and good faith to entertain me, otherwise I would feel so lonely.

I feel disappointed with myself... utterly. One can lie to the whole world except ownself, yes I am still pinning hope for a companion. Is it really that inhumanly possible to live by myself? Has my philosophy of not wanting to ruin ppl really wrong? Have I been making wrong decisions all the way?

I feel sad that I want to fall in love. I feel sad I dont know how to love. I feel sad I forgot what's to be loved.