A Personal interview

Really have to get used to living it out alone i presume ... yes, today is a weekend and I am not sure if I can use the word usual, but I guess just say I am stranded at home.

Question: "Why dont you just go out?"
Answer : "I would really love to, but I guess everyone's busy"
Question: "Where's everyone and what are they doing?"
Answer : "The answer lies in WHO is everybody, I reckon everyone is busy with life"
Question: "Why not you get a life like everyone else then?"
Answer : "If only I know what I want in life ... not just big cars, cash stacks"
Question: "You must be lonely, just get yourself a girlfriend like everyone else"
Answer : "Love is not a cure for lonliness, it'll be unfair for both parties"
Question: "Don't sound so miserable, comparatively, you are so much blessed than others"
Answer : "Thats a question I admit defeat, its the way I think, the things I interact and my SELFISH characteristic"

Handle a few exchange of words with my mum, still couldnt believe what I replied to her. Got to be the stress level of the exams I hope. But deep within, I know what will be worst ... it'll be the end of the exams. Must have been a curse, its been a year ... a year ago, I knew my greatest challenge was not the exam but the end of the exams itself. I doubt most will know what I am probing about, but who cares eh? I havent been really opening up to anyone ever since.... or have I ever tried before?

I am tired. Smiles ... true ones... frm the heart, I smile alot to myself always conjuring up cranky senarios to brighten up myself. I guess I talk too much to myself, maybe thats why I always complain alot of being lost and feeling lousy which in turn drift myself further away frm the crowds. Had interviewed many before on what are the stuff they do and concept of happy life. Answer: Car, Money, Girlfriend, Good Grades. Cant beat them join them? Shall see...as of now, cant wait for the lonely walk after the hell week(I wish this exam never ends, its true, you wont know how I feel).

PatriX

Tingling Sensation

Currently in the Library of Mister Lee Wee Nam, something new for a change I will try to get this entry done like some typical blogger who must get his/her mental thoughts pinned down every sec of their lives.

The event of the day is where I had a dream... like the title above, a tingling sensation. Alright, its not a wet dream or whatsoever... or was it filled with morbid thoughts and insanities. It was some sort of meeting someone...

There are periods when I do feel most lonely and may crave for attention or companionship, but the jaded and tired side of mine never fail to suppress all those unjustifiable and useless emotions that one should have.

Back to the dream, yes, I met a girl... some typical on the road senario where was tasked with an errand or some sorts(dreams dun make sense right?) There and then the story just drifts on frame to frame... and you know what was the finale? "She" told me that she was on a study scholarship with the Police force!

My goodness ... the mind does play tricks ... I guess that dream was more like a wake up prank. The feverish state of my mind sometime really makes me wonder if I am suitable for life in a stressful society like in SG? But well.... 2 decades plus, havent reach end of the world, guess I am doing well.

Conclusion: I was reminded I am a regular, I am single, craving for companionship and lonely, dreams are all lies... how can there be a girl of my dreams that's residing her life tied to a uniformed organization?(or is there? You'll never know)

PatriX

Who gives a Damn

Forsaken But Not Forgoten
Forgiven But Not Forgoten
Forgone definitely not Forever

Time blazes pass and the above 3 statements vaguely explains the little insane jolts of "inspiration" i get now and then. Anyway, it'll be hard for the normal to fathom my state of mind and what I mean. I guess thats just normal. Why bother, who cares ? At the end of the road, you get what u want, I would be there to drag you down. Everyone's happy so be it.

A sinner I am, I forgot my mum's birthday last week. Was totally engrossed and bogged down with all the reports and assignment deadlines, until I was jotting down the date on my tutorial sheet "03 10 05", then I was "HEY! What happened to 30 SEP!" Miracle happened I guess ... never ever thought I will get myself in the state I study too much!

Ever so well ... to over come a loss, one will have to find another. There will always be dates where I would forget, numbers, digits and memories that will forever tingle, haunt and linger. 5th Oct, I guess its been like more than 6 years ago when this date carved into the grey matter of mine hahhaa.... but well as of now, it just served as a milestone.

The feelings long forgotten, bonds are just meant to be broken
You may have been forgiven, but the memories will always linger
I must have been forsake, so just let it serve as a lesson

PatriX

Whatever ...

There are times when I feel that whatever I put into, whatever I care and passionate towards are turned on a deaf ear. Others will just sneer, ppl will just jeer ... what a fool for holding such hopes and dreams.
Caught in the dilemma whether to join the crowd or face the fury of the majority. I feel rather dumb at times... for example, I've been appointed so called "leadership" position for so many academic projects and modules. YES, I admit, I am not academically inclined and hardworking ... but when I see the group form for the first time, everyone pushing the role of responsibility around ... something within me just volunteer to take the shit.

I am cursed I guess, I just cannot explain the actually feeling ... when asked who is the leader, silence bestowed the newly formed group where all are trying to probe into each other trying to form new bonds and friendship. When crunch time comes, all shrug their shoulders, head tilt down ... "thousand one ... thousand two...." all the way until a name is "arrowed", "nominated" or shouted across ..."CHANGE!" heads up: "Yeah... great idea, he/she should be the leader ....."

Undergrads ? Students ? Future leaders ? Whatever!!!

Anyway, much more disheartening is when I survey around my peer's fate, they always get through as the follower's task ... and feedback is not to get into leader position as far as possible .... its USELESS and REDUNDANT, giving ownself extra pressure of becomin the slavedriver and have to wipe the asses of useless teamates. Talking about useless team mates, I have encountered numberous ... but the most recent case is my Business Presentation. As usual, PatriX, the WAYANG and RESPONSIBLE chap took the reins and named the skipper of the team. In the team there's this particular chap, skipped all the group meeting the AUTHORITATIVE leader always assigns ... always missing in action.

Assigned with a analysis of my busniess proposition, upon recieving his part of the work ... instead of adding it into the integration I found myself scrapping 80% of his crappy and overlapping and obviously took only 10 mins to document as all.... I mean ALL!!!! the points within were my ideas when I convey my intention on what to do. EFFORT, at least ... i mean at LEAST he showed some effort (ought to be glad) not like the ABNN*, which fly kite for all the lab and eventually came back to the lab and copied my codes and took the grades which Mister Sucker Patrick provided for.

Getting back to my business proposal, I told myself to give him another chance, maybe I am a FUCKED up leader to being with. I do not emboss leadership qualities or too stupid to have enough EQ on how to handle ppl. The presentation will be the time when both of us can redeem ourselves of the "sins". Right at 11pm, day before presentation, he called in thru another group mate that he damaged his knee and just fly the team kite! You know the best part? HE IS A REGULAR OFFICER of the < REPUBLIC OF SINGAPORE AIR FORCE >

Regulars !!! Scholar somemore ... you know there was a time I took up so much pride about my officership and to protect the sovereignty of my country. Majorty just stamp me down and gave the "WTF, you are a *(&#@$&*^ regular" look but always give politically correct answers "Oh, we contribute to the nation differently, please dun f*ck my country up like my PC,OC, CO last time" Cant blame them, I have faced so many examples of screw ups ... I am jaded.

You dont do your part wanna get marks ... I am used to IT!!!! NTU, best engineering school that produce great engineering graduates can plagurize and leech but score high marks in exams because all know how to spot answers and give answers the lecturers are looking for! But that arse sabotage my presentation, made me cover for his part. Is there karma? Am I planting bad karma for tell-taling on others online? Do you think I am a wuss who dares only to write HTML codes online instead of facing the authorities ?

As a matter of fact, I had! Many a times... feedback up to the school about the loopholes! But we all know that "WHO FUCKING CARES!", just go to exam get ur grades, we teach engineering, not moral ed or integrity. The subjects on moral values should have been taught during secondary school, so the university culture not responsible for it.

As usual, after all the bitching ... the only thing to do is to go one corner and lick the wounds. No one will care, why the effort to share. Maybe the authorities will take this entry and charge me to incite bad reputation for the education image of singapore which may tarnish the reputation of becoming a regional educational hub. The SAF may just throw me into DB and revoke my LSA ... but what I said were the truth. I understand the lack of control because of a big orgnaization and the high turn-over rate which in turn forced the armed forces to "lay long" officership to scholars who can study but cannot command.

Yeah, whatever ... everythings a business right now. Everybody's changing and I dont feel the same. Who knows? Who cares? Why bother, you'll just a simpleton who thinks too much, talks too much and wasting the resources of the other more competitive counterparts who deserves more credit with the achievements. Losers will always be branded as losers...

PatriX