How many regrets are there in ones life.... aplenty i guess... but the important thing is to learn from your mistake and move on.
I have never regret penning down the SAVERS and serving my nation. So why the bitching now??~~!!??
This entry serves to remind myself how low I am feeling... how bad I want to scream, how much I wanna run away from everything.
Never have I been so depressed for such an extended period of time. I feel like a dog who only know how to follow.... I psycho myself to follow orders.... I dont know why? Is it because I dont want to fail my boss's expectation? Is it because I want to make sure my subordinates look up to me and respect me? Is it because I want to prove a point that I am not useless?
I think everything mentioned above plays a part to why I trudged on, but one main thing is that I wanan prove to my wife and my daugther that his father is not soft or weak.
The way things are being forced down onto me... I cant find a word to describe it. Why did I take on this posting in the first place? Why dont I retort when I recieve taskings I hate? Why can I reject things I dont like to do? I know I am in the military and I should take orders, but why am I doing a job which I aint trained and not firm on the scope, and have to adhere to instructions which I dont know how to follow or execute?
How am I to lead the ppl behind me if I dont know whats in front? How do I stand tall among them when I cant even pick myself up...
I hate myself for being weak...I hate myself for taking orders... I hate myself
